Anxiety All the Time

 I have written a little about anxiety and depression here, but I usually try to keep it lighter or results-focused.  I think that is why I ended up just grinding to a halt.  By the time I got around to writing about my lessons and achievements, it was as though I was faking the connection - it was like writing about someone else.  One of the things about anxiety is that it adds so many steps to your daily routine, and one of the things about depression is that it robs you of the energy to handle those steps.

Even with good friends and even better family - I was struggling.

I am not in a place to rehash all the bad, but it really felt like the hits did not stop coming from Dutch's death, and my Uncle's suicide in the same week.  The 12 months that followed also had the death of my cousin, my cat, another Uncle, the truck he (most recently deceased uncle) had given me, my Aunt breaking her leg terribly, yet another Uncle's illness, job stress including multiple 'gun-on-campus' issues and the back to back death of a past student, and the arrest of another for murder.  When I tell you that these horses kept me alive and moving, I am serious.

The best picture EVER!!

So what ended up making a difference?  I think three little "big" things.  1. I upped my meds... like a lot. No more 'minimum needed for a positive change' - this bitch is hitting her depression with a hammer. 2. I joined a cycling gym and have worked up to 25 - 40 miles per week on the bike.  It is sweaty, loud, and aggressively supportive. 3. I took a very different teaching job.

Milestones can be fun.

So there is not much to write about here for step 1, but 2 and 3... there will be more posts coming.  The upside is that I am finally in a place where making plans does do jazzy things to my heart rate, it doesn't cause a blind panic. 

SOOOOOOOOOO.....

The plans: 

Uno and I are moving up to starter for realz. The goal is to do one HT a month and hopefully qualify for the Warhorse Event Championships at the Carolina Horse Park, and then end the year with a recognized event.

Lew will start with Green as Grass CTs at our local county shows and aim for a full season doing the 'thing.' The goal is to finish the year out able to put together a 'decent' training level dressage test and jump around a 2' course.

The Farm is getting a few big changes this year - 1. fully perimeter fenced, 2. new hay shed, 3. get rid of the ugly carport, 4. build and overhang off the stalls, and finally 5. donkey paradise upgrade.