Crash and Burn

 Very literally on the crash part.  I have some surgeries coming up in November that necessitate this being our last HT for the year, and after being such a boss last time out at GAG, I definitely though moving back up to maiden at this venue (normally soft) would be a no brainer. As you read before we had a killer dressage test, so I thought we were really about to rock this.  If you read my previous post you know that it did not happen. 

When I walked the course it all looked big - BN and Maiden shared all the jumps.  I asked at the check-in if the jumps were going to be lowered for Maiden and was told yes. In hindsight, I should have seen this and dropped a level.  Only 2 jumps were lowered in height - it was small for BN but big for Maiden. This was not ideal when we had not managed to have a jump lesson since the beginning of August. The whole course was set up as related pairs of fences.  Jump, 5-7 strides, Jump, Turn to the next set.

I warmed up quickly (we did a quick change after dressage, so he didn't need much) we cantered the cross rail and the verticle, but not the oxer (there were none on course and it was set up in a way Uno had not seen) in the warm-up then headed over to start.  He was normal to the first jump and I just kept my shoulders back - but he nocked the top rail pretty hard.  We got it together for the next jump and were ok.  We came around to a bright pink cross rail to a bright pink verticle up the hill and he totally quit between the fences - we left long drag makes where he basically slid into the base of the fence, then jumped.  I was basically on his neck at this point because of the slide, so I counted my lucky stars that I staid with him.  We cleared it and he bucked up the hill.  

As he was bucking up the hill, my left stirrup broke!  I was so shaken by how poorly things were going I wanted to stop.  The gate volunteer offered to find me a replacement and encouraged me to try again.  I think had we been able to keep going I would have made it through, but the break time solidified in Uno's mind that these jumps were scary.  

I  know my riding had a lot to do with how poorly the second attempt rode.  I was scared. Very scared.  I did not go back up the warm up to jump again.  I sat on my pony and shook. When we eventually started again he was backing off the jumps from fence one (just a white verticle) and slid into fence two and went to the ground on his belly.  If I had given him a pony kick and strongly sent him forward, we probably would have been fine. However, I am used to Uno taking me to the jumps and when he dropped behind my legs I froze.

The jump arena volunteer was so nice, she gave me a bit of a pep talk and let me come around again.  Uno again said, "NO!" So she made me two cross rails to pop over to end on a good note.  He jumped those cross rails like they were on fire.  

I have no idea what it was about the fences that shook him up.  I was freaked out by the height - but he has jumped bigger than this.  My riding wasn't great, but I kept my shoulders back (mostly) and didn't pull. Normally when we jump my job is to half halt in between, then point and sit quietly with my shoulders back.  That was 100% NOT the ride Uno needed on Sunday and I am not sure why we did a 180 this weekend.

I needed this pony this weekend to make me brave.

I have a lesson this afternoon with our jump trainer.  I am going to show her the videos and see what comes of the lesson.  I know that my confidence is gone.  It kills me because I have pictures and videos of us jumping higher and killing bigger XC questions.  My anxiety is just overruling all of that and I am back to feeling dread in my stomach when I look at normal jumps.  I hate that I get too much in my head, and I hate that I walked my pony back to the trailer crying.  

I love this little horse.  Is he the ideal horse for me to be eventing - No.  In an ideal world, I would have a dead quiet (probably drafty thing) that just loped around and popped everything in front of it on a loose rein. If the budget allowed us to lease such a horse for a year or two, that would be perfect.  However, Uno is the horse I have, and he is usually so trustworthy that if we fail this dramatically I need to go back to the drawing board.