Taking Time

 Long time no post.  I am not going to lie, the withdrawing from the HT really shook my confidence.  I will write about what the horses and I have been up to in a new post soon, but I wanted to just briefly talk about how I deal with a blow to my confidence (and pocket book, but more on that later) and how hard it is sometimes to sit in the middle of competitive goals and clinical depression.

So much time spent here.

First, what are my goals.  My trainer and I set our goal of being happy and competent at Maiden this year. And to be honest the last HT was kind of a shock to both of us.  Although I am not jumping BN at home, we were jumping maiden size jumps successfully.  And as long as I did not pull the jumps were good.  At the horse show Uno touched every jump and dropped poles on 3 of the 5 jumps.  This is not something he does at home AT ALL.  He also tools along XC pretty well and seems to understand that job really well, so for him to just grind to a halt at jump 4 was really odd as well.  I will admit this really shook me.  I went into the show feeling like the biggest challenge was going to be my brain, but got this curve ball from Uno.  It hurt even more that we were 3rd after dressage... where we used to be so weak.

It took a long time to get here and that is OK.

This was all especially hard on my mental health.  I thrive best with small achievable goals, so that I get steady little dopamine hits as I reach them.  There are days where I still struggle to do more than the minimum, get out of bed, feed horses, feed dogs, clean stalls.  I have to use checklists and trackers to push me to just get up and go sometimes.  I do have a therapist and I take medicine that greatly helps with this, but having a mental illness is more about learning how to modify or alter your habits so that it doesn't interfere with your daily function.

This at 10am also makes it a pain in the butt to go out.

I will admit it was really hard to get up and ride or do anything post horse show.  My brain kept asking me what was the point.  I have been riding horses for about 31 years, and I have somehow lost the ability to jump 2'3"?!  I fell back into the, "2nd is the first loser mindset" that is so damaging.  I do this sport because I love that it forces me to be a more well rounded horse person.  I also keep horses because I love them and they bring me peace and joy.  

Best $35 ever spent, now I can watch them where ever I am.

So what did I do?  Well, I wallowed for a little while. I laid in bed and snuggled my dog, and groomed my horses... and found a kitten at truck stop... and took in a new (failed) foster puppy... and forced myself to be around friends and family.  And reset my goals.  

Meet June...

And Pixel.

Everyone should know this boy.

I love horse shows.  I like the pressure.  I like the group experience.  I like the judges feedback.  But I do not need them.  So, I still want to get around Maiden this year, but I have 5 more months to figure that out.  We are probably not going to show again until August and that is ok.  My goals are 1. Sound and happy horses. 2. Ride everyday 3. Jump at home.  I will know I am ready when I can jump full maiden courses at home all alone, and that is going to take as long as it takes.

Until then there is THIS!!